Tuesday, August 29, 2006


My husband copied my blog into word so that I wouldn't lose it while I was working on it today. I posted the blog finally and then X out word without saving and I guess blogger messed up and didn't publish my post so now I have to re-write it. :-(

I didn't mean to assume everyone knows what I meant when I said CP (the truth is that I couldn't spell it correctly so I just wrote it that way!) CP is cerebral palsy. Thank you Liz for your encouraging notes and personal experiences. I did not know, until our time in the NICU, that cerebral palsy has different intensity levels. Nor did I know it was something that could "develop" I thought it was a one time injury and you either had it or didn't. I guess I have learned a lot more about medical things than I ever thought I would! Liz - How did Ezzy's CP develop? Was is gradual? I know the doctors can't tell me for sure what is going to happen as far as if he is going to have it and how bad if he is. They said by one year of age if it hasn't developed it won't. I am looking forward to the day Dillon turns 1 because I want all this to be figured out.

The verse from the song I posted yesterday said "Life's trials will seem so small" well up until this trial all my other ones were so small! This is the first one that I cannot see as "small" maybe one day it really will be. But for now it is an all consuming trial that is draining me of all energy and strength. It must be God carrying me through each day because I have no strength left, all I can do all day is cry. When I am with other people I put on the smile and the laugh that says "I'm okay" but recently that is all it is...A put on. Only God knows how much my heart is hurting, how depressed I have been, how much I want to give up, and how much He has to remind me that I can't! My Aunt just sent me an email I am going to put it in here instead of trying to summarize it:
We have a little girl in our church at the moment. Presently she is a foster child to a family in our Church who go on regular missions trips to Romania. They met baby Maria at a children's hospital, she was abandoned by her parents because she was born with a cleft pallet. Her parents didn't want her because she wasn't perfect. On their return trip they found her in an orphanage and were able to take her to the US for medical treatment. They are now trying to adopt her or she will have to return to the orphanage. I say all of this to tell you that God could have put little Dillon in any situation, he could have been born in a foreign country and spent his life in an orphanage with no one to love him or cuddle him or hold him, yet God cared so much for him and had so much faith in You and Josiah that he put Dillon in your family. Not by mistake, but for such greater purposes. I can not imagine how hard, and exhausting all of this must be to you, but keep on trusting Him and His strength to help you through each day. When you are at your lowest remember there are many people upholding you in prayer. We love you and will see you soon.
I think that is just what I needed to hear. I keep asking how is it that if I were to stand by and willing, knowingly let my child touch the hot stove or play with a knife and let them get hurt, I would be considered a bad mother. I would be charged with child abuse and/or child neglect, but when God stood by and allowed this to happen to Dillon I am supposed to rejoice (2 Cor 12:9-10) and draw closer to Him. It makes no sense to me at all. This email helps me in a tiny way - to know that God did not let my sweet little Dillon be born to parents who would abandoned him. He can't see me, he can't hear me, he may never be able to speak to me, but he can be cuddled by me. It's all I can do for him.


Mom K. said...

I just read your last 2 blogs, Tiff. I so wish I were there to cuddle Dillon. He is such a sweet (I know he is a boy) but he is a sweet precious little boy. I have come across so many verses that are promises from God. I'll just put a couple on here. We have such a wonderful God. His ways and thoughts are so far above ours (Issaiah 55:8-9) Jeremiah 32:17 says "Ah Lord GOD! behold, thou hast made the heaven and the earth by thy great power and stretched out arm, and there is nothing too hard for thee:" Jeremiah 32:27 "Behold, I am the LORD, the God of all flesh: is there any thing too hard for me?" What a question! Jeremiah 33:3 "Call unto me, and I will answer thee, and shew thee great and mighty things, which thou knowest not." Wow, we do not know what great and mighty things God will do.
With much love and many prayers,
Mom K.

Anonymous said...

I am more than sure that Dillon knows you and your husband! I knows you by your touch. Cherish this. You know, there are many of us mothers that long for our child to still want to cuddle and those few moments that they do are more special than anything else on this earth...
Thank you for constantly turning and leaning on our God. I can't remember the exact Psalm but David tells God that God knew him while he was still in his mothers womb. God knew Dillon. He hand picked YOU to be his mother knowing that you would love him just the way that he is. You have been given the honor of calling this little boy your son. I wish that I was closer so I could help and truly get to know you and your family. God has a purpose for all things.
Thank you so much for creating this blog and for keeping us updated. You help bring a frustrated mother (me) back into perspective.

Anne said...

Amen "Aunt"!!!! I'm not sure which one of your aunts this is, but that is so true: God could've allowed Dillon to be born somewhere else. But I know one thing, "Auntie Anne" would've missed the opportunities to babysit and to cuddle him as well! So I'm glad God chose YOU TWO to be Dillon's parents because then I can get in on it too;) Praying for you and love you! Keep looking up!!!

Melissa said...

well, I know I have never met you, but I know Josiah from high school. Anyways, I have been reading your blog and I have to say that there is not a day that goes by that Dillon is not in my prayers. Also praying for strength for the two of you! How hard it must be, but God is so good. I hope you are encouraged today. :)

Abbi said...

Oh Tiffany, I am so sorry that you are having such a rough time, lately! I wish there were something I could do to help.

I think what you said about cuddling him is SO important! It's so good of you to look at it this way. The LORD calls each of us to different ministries and to do different "services." Sometimes the particular "lot" we're in doesn't seem very important and certainly not pleasant. Some days changing diapers and dealing with the pukies and ill-tempered children isn't fun, easy, or what we thought motherhood would be like at all. And I'm sure it's just immensely harder for you right now dealing with Dillon's problems. But you are right on the mark about cuddling him...it's one thing that you CAN do for him. And it DOES make a difference. Babies can sense their mother's love, even babies with challenges.

My father-in-law told me of a boy in his practice years ago, with CP who couldn't see or hear, and he responded SO WELL to being "loved on" and touched. His face just changed and he just melted whenever his Mom or siblings would "get all over him" and snuggle with him or just rub his face! Love DOES make a difference! And so does prayer. We'll be praying for you!!

Jennifer Hill from BHBC said...

Hi Si, Tiff and Dillon,

Our family is in constant prayer for you, Si and Dillon. Thank you for the updates which helps us to pray for the specifics. Just wait on the Lord and He will renew your strength. Have patience in His good works. We have the struggles to keep our faith. God knows you can handle this mountain and the others that are ahead of you. "REST"

Love Jennifer H. and Jerold (your little chocolate brother) from BHBC