I didn't mean to assume everyone knows what I meant when I said CP (the truth is that I couldn't spell it correctly so I just wrote it that way!) CP is cerebral palsy. Thank you Liz for your encouraging notes and personal experiences. I did not know, until our time in the NICU, that cerebral palsy has different intensity levels. Nor did I know it was something that could "develop" I thought it was a one time injury and you either had it or didn't. I guess I have learned a lot more about medical things than I ever thought I would! Liz - How did Ezzy's CP develop? Was is gradual? I know the doctors can't tell me for sure what is going to happen as far as if he is going to have it and how bad if he is. They said by one year of age if it hasn't developed it won't. I am looking forward to the day Dillon turns 1 because I want all this to be figured out.
The verse from the song I posted yesterday said "Life's trials will seem so small" well up until this trial all my other ones were so small! This is the first one that I cannot see as "small" maybe one day it really will be. But for now it is an all consuming trial that is draining me of all energy and strength. It must be God carrying me through each day because I have no strength left, all I can do all day is cry. When I am with other people I put on the smile and the laugh that says "I'm okay" but recently that is all it is...A put on. Only God knows how much my heart is hurting, how depressed I have been, how much I want to give up, and how much He has to remind me that I can't! My Aunt just sent me an email I am going to put it in here instead of trying to summarize it:
We have a little girl in our church at the moment. Presently she is a foster child to a family in our Church who go on regular missions trips to Romania. They met baby Maria at a children's hospital, she was abandoned by her parents because she was born with a cleft pallet. Her parents didn't want her because she wasn't perfect. On their return trip they found her in an orphanage and were able to take her to the US for medical treatment. They are now trying to adopt her or she will have to return to the orphanage. I say all of this to tell you that God could have put little Dillon in any situation, he could have been born in a foreign country and spent his life in an orphanage with no one to love him or cuddle him or hold him, yet God cared so much for him and had so much faith in You and Josiah that he put Dillon in your family. Not by mistake, but for such greater purposes. I can not imagine how hard, and exhausting all of this must be to you, but keep on trusting Him and His strength to help you through each day. When you are at your lowest remember there are many people upholding you in prayer. We love you and will see you soon.
I think that is just what I needed to hear. I keep asking how is it that if I were to stand by and willing, knowingly let my child touch the hot stove or play with a knife and let them get hurt, I would be considered a bad mother. I would be charged with child abuse and/or child neglect, but when God stood by and allowed this to happen to Dillon I am supposed to rejoice (2 Cor 12:9-10) and draw closer to Him. It makes no sense to me at all. This email helps me in a tiny way - to know that God did not let my sweet little Dillon be born to parents who would abandoned him. He can't see me, he can't hear me, he may never be able to speak to me, but he can be cuddled by me. It's all I can do for him.